Thoughts of Ren
by Dolzinnig
Summary: Jun decides to help Ren get over his anger by hiring him a counsellor. Now she's forcing Ren to keep a diary,write to a penpal and the dreaded Notebook TM... Musings of madness put in simpler words.
1. And so it begins

Ok, first of all I do not own Shaman King.

This story is based on Jaclyn Moriarty's book "Calling Cassie crazy" so basically the Note Book TM is her creation, there will be OC's but they will NOT and I repeat, NOT be Mary-Sues. Ren's writing will be in italics. Anyway, enough jabbering, ONWARD!

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Before you read another word, write your FULL name on every line on this page! Don't be afraid! Your Note Book TM is meant for writing in!

Hello _Tao Ren_! It's great to meet you! Hey, _wait a minute. _That name sounds familiar!

_Tao Ren_? Isn't that the name of a FAMOUS AUTHOR!

Well, is it? Not sure? Maybe one day?

There's only one thing that _is_ sure! And that's this: _the answer is in your hands!_

Or, to be straight with you, _Tao Ren_, the answer is in this _super-cool, fantastic_ Note Book TM!

It's simple. We ask questions. You answer them.

And by the time you get to the end of the book, you're an author!

Think it's crazy? Think again. Ever heard of William Shakespeare? Jane Austen ring a bell? How do you think those guys got started!

You ready?

How do you know, deep in your heart, that you WILL be an author one day? (Go on _Tao Ren _, it's your turn now…It's going to be fun, fun, FUN! )

_I absolutely refuse to believe that Shakespeare or Jane Austen were inspired by this piece of junk. Besides, I don't want to be an author, I WILL become Shaman King and I will wipe out defiled trash like you!_

Wonderful! Now, how do you know you have the determination to see your dream through?

_Well, there's the fact I'm ACTUALLY filling this piece of crap in, just because my sister and the counsellor said that this would help me get out all my inner emotions and therefore make me a better person and supposedly a better Shaman. See? I'm doing this to be Shaman King not an author! Kisama!_

_Also I wrote my name on all the lines, I would usually find that kind of thing extremely insulting to my intelligence and give it to Horo Horo as he would probably find it mentally challenging and has the intelligence of a wet noodle._

Ok, great. Now, what was it that made you stop in the book store today, pick up this book, and take it over to the counter pay for it?

_My counsellor bought the book to the session. I didn't buy it. She said it would give me inspiration but all it's given me so far is a migraine._

Interesting. Ok, let's start with something simple. Look around you right now. Write down a list of everything that you see.

_Is this really necessary? OK:_

_An over-annoyingly positive and hyperactive Note Book._

_An over-annoyingly positive and hyperactive moron._

_A rather relaxed, extremely laid-back guy, possibly on marijuana, couldn't say._

We bet you just wrote down "grass", "water", "sky" etc, etc. Maybe you noticed the coffee cup, but we bet you didn't get the lipstick stain on the side of the coffee cup! Now, go ahead and try again. Write down EVERYTHING that you see.

_Oh, so it's "We", is it? I might have known, this whole thing is just WAY too retarded for just one person to come up with._

_I don't get it. I don't drink coffee and I don't wear lipstick. You're being very stereotypical assuming whoever writes in this thing spends most of their time in a café gazing at "grass", "water" and "sky". Come to think of it, did they have coffee in England in Shakespeare's time? I don't think so._

_The first over-annoyingly positive and hyperactive moron (the one that looks like a spiky haired snowball) is now, rather delightfully, absent-mindedly picking his nose. Need I go into more detail?_

That's better! Now, do you know the names of any of the plants or animals that are around you?

_Animals: Ignoramus stupidus aka the Boro Boro. (Known to few, as the Horo Horo.)_

What are some of the colours of the things that you see?

_Maybe I could dress him up like a monkey and sell him to an organ grinder._

Ok, time for your first "QUICK FLICK". These are "memory" exercises which you will find throughout your Note Book TM. You'll really start to look forward to them! Think for a moment, and then describe for us your very first day at university.

_Me? Start to look forward to them! I highly doubt it._

_Just one point;_

YOU LOSER. DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT IF I WENT OFF TO UNIVERSITY I WOULD ACTUALLY CONSIDER STILL VISITING A PERSON WHO INSISTS ON PICKING THEIR NOSE SO MUCH THAT THEIR FINGER GETS LODGED UP ONE OF THE NOSTRILS AND THINKS THAT SHOWING FLATULENCE IS ACTUALLY A WAY OF COMMUNICATING!

DOES IT SOUND LIKE I'M AT UNIVERSITY? HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ANYTHING I'VE SAID? NO? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

IF ANYONE NEEDS COUNSELLING IT'S YOU!

Tell us the occupation of your best friend. Is he a plumber? Maybe he's an accountant! We'll leave a couple of pages now so you can tell us ALL about your best friend!

_A couple of pages? Now really, you're too kind!_

_Sorry, I don't meet many plumbers in my occupation. I know a sort-of Doctor, but I don't somehow think of him as a BEST friend. I don't have a best friend, I have sort-of friends who I sort-of kill on a regular basis. Here I'll list them for you enjoyment:_

_Ren's Personal List of Sort-of friends whom he sort-of hates but sort-of likes_

_Yoh: Professional slacker extraordinaire, still not convinced he's not on marijuana. (Think he hides it inside his pillow)._

_Manta: Short, rich, geek, tails Asakura a lot, head usually found in a dictionary._

_Diethel: Pessimistic, tends to wig out a lot, looks like a girl._

_Anna: Itako, control freak. Enough said._

_Tamao: Doesn't say much, likes Asakura, blushes a lot._

_Pirika: She's the wet noodle's sister…._

_(Since you've left me a couple of pages I decided to add a few people that under normal circumstances I would not claim as a butler, let alone a friend! What! Trees were harmed in the making of this book! I don't want them to have died in vain!)_

_Chocolove : Thinks he's God's gift to humour, specialty is lame jokes, dressed me up as Cinderella….never quite forgiven him for that._

… _Can't believe I'm writing this…_

_Horo Horo: Ainu-baka snowboarding freak, spiky haired snowball, wet noodle, future organ-grinder's monkey._

_Bokutou no Ryu: Meh… I don't have the words… Or the time._

_Horo is throwing the offensive, squidgy , sugary substance that the American's call marshmallows at me. That's his own primitive way of getting my attention. Anyway, we all have places to go._

_Eg. I'm going to kick a certain baka Ainu's ass; as for you, you're going on a one way trip to the recycling. (Hey, at least you'll be used for something else?)_

Well done! That was fabulous!

And guess what? You did it! You finished Part 1 of your Note Book TM! We are SO PROUD of you! Be sure and take a break before you go on to the next chapter….

_Kisama!_

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Ok, that really was bad, sorry about the various character bashing! I love em' all really! Maybe Ren was slightly ooc…I dunno. Review if you feel like it but try not to rub it in! Not too many flames please I am extremely sensitive and will probably go into hiding for a year.

Oh, just to remind you, I didn't make up the corny questions the Note Book Tm was asking(give or take the odd word) but the answers were my own, otherwise this fic would be TOTALLY pointless. Not that it isn't pointless already. What can I say? I enjoy writing trash! The next chapter (if I choose to continue) will mostly be in diary and letter form. The NotebookTM probably won't come into it again for a while, if at all.


	2. Biological field notes,Frankie & pretty ...

Wow! I can't believe people liked it:D Sankyuu to all reviewers! (does little happy dance with yellow ocarina)

Here is Ch 2, as I said before this is gonna be in diary and letter form. Ren's writing is in italics and his penpal's is in bold.

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_20th November_

_I can't believe this! First she forces me to write in this retarded diary, then forces me to write that retarded Notebook TM and now I have to write to a penpal(who will probably also be retarded…)! Isn't the aim of a counsellor to cure behavioural problems! Not for the client to develop several more in the space of one session! I can feel her beady eyes on me now…it creeps me out, when she gives you that analytical stare like your some sort of newly discovered species. Sometimes when she goes out the office to take a phone call or something I sneak a look at her notes. She writes a review of how every session goes, for the first one she wrote "Ren is of medium height for his age, slim in stature but muscular. He has deep purple hair and amber eyes…". That's not a review! Its biological field notes! "He is an elusive creature but can be seen at dusk scurrying towards a dairy…" Well, two can play at that game! I'm going to write some of my own!_

_Ren's biological field notes of the nosey old bag aka my counsellor, Miss.Kinomoto_

_A solitary creature, the Miss.Kinomoto will always be seen alone when it is not prying into other people's lives, probably because it has no friends. In appearance it is not at all attractive. Its hair is always worn in a bun, which appears to have been stapled in and its eyebrows are so high up on its face that it has a look of permanent surprise. (To the researcher in charge of this investigation it seems that the eyebrows on this creature seem to get higher every time he spots it, he privately believes that this is due to excessive shaving off of the eyebrows and then drawing them back on again with charcoal.) The eyes of this creature resemble those of a blow fish and it is believed that it could win a staring contest with a stuffed owl. Insists on being referred to by its title and surname, probably to give itself a feeling of self importance which it won't get elsewhere._

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_Uh oh, have to stop there. She's come back to resume staring at me and asking me pointless questions which are designed to add more meaning to her existence._

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_Well, I got my first penpal letter. I was right they are retarded or just downright weird. The counsellor says to stick the letters in my diary for future reference. Future reference! Future reference for what! Whenever I need back up reasons for committing suicide! Well here it is:_

**Dear Chinese Shaman,**

**Hmmmm…I don't really like labelling you like that, it doesn't seem polite. But all my counsellor could tell me about you is that you're Chinese but you live in Japan and you're a shaman, like me! So, you are henceforth known to me as the "Chinese Shaman". Apparently you're still in the running for being Shaman King, lucky you! I couldn't even get past the prelims! One of the council members said it is because I'm too chaotic and twirly, maybe it is? I was defeated by some guy named Bob, who works evenings as a washroom attendant, if you see him tell him he still owes me a ham sandwich!**

**I don't know much about China but I heard you get beaten with a bamboo stick for saying the word "turpentine" in public and also Big Macs are 2 pence cheaper there. We were given an assignment in English to write a letter of complaint about a subject of your choice and I chose to point out this gross injustice towards Macky D consumers but my teacher seemed to think it trivial!**

**Golly gosh! Where are my manners? My name is Frankie Harper, Frankie is short for Francesca. I'm from England but I guess you can guess that from the return address on the opening side of the envelope.**

**Have you ever been arrested? My cousin has, he tried to get on an aeroplane with 100 pairs of clogs he bought in Duty Free(he's the person who told me about the turpentine bamboo thing.). He wants to grow a goatee beard but auntie won't let him because she's a pogonophobe, meaning she has an irrational fear of beards. She thinks beards make men look untrustworthy...**

**Anyway I have to go finish my papier maché fish head sculpture, write back soon!**

**Your friend, **

**Frankie**

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_Yep, a complete nut case. Oh well, I'd better reply. I can't stand Miss.Kinomoto's nagging._

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_Dear Francesca,_

_It seems to me you are completely insane. How anyone can spend their time making papier maché fish heads is beyond me._

_Your information about China is on the one hand, totally false (we do not get beaten with bamboo for saying the name of a solvent substance in public) or as your teacher seemed to think, completely trivial (who cares?). You remind me of someone…_

_How could someone lose to a washroom attendant named Bob! You are obviously a shaman of highly insufficient skill. I refuse to even lay eyes on someone like that unless I have to, let alone remind them of promises involving meat substance filled lunch menu foods._

_I think you should be writing to an acquaintance of mine called Yoh, as you both appear to be on something. I expect your pillow is extremely heavy. Or maybe Horo Horo as normal human intelligence seems to be beyond both of you. How can having a beard make you look untrustworthy? As if the chin is somehow the window to the soul...Horo doesn't have a beard but yet he is completely untrustworthy!……That's a disturbing image, Horo with a beard…Does being a pogonophobe mean you're scared of people with beards? Or is it when you're just scared that a giant beard is going to creep into your house with a magnifying glass, set fire to itself and burn all your receits for the financial year? Your aunt is not alone, I'm sure everyone has that worry…in Happyland._

_I hardly think it is a good idea for you to continue writing to me as I think I will be driven into a state of mental imbalance, which I may never be able to get out of._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Ren Tao_

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Ok, that was ch2. Sorry if I offended any Chinese people with the whole bamboo thing, I didn't mean to I swear! It was slightly bonkers, but there we go. Any flamers be gentle please! 


	3. Cereal,beds and Potatoes?

Thank you sooo much to all my lovely reviewers! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update but here it is at long last… Chapter 3! Dedicated to my myspace buddy "Yoh" and his potatoe patch in Indiana! Whoopee! Just one point before we begin, I read somewhere that Anna revives the Hanagumi so they can work as maids in the Funbari Onsen which explains Macchi's sudden appearance ). Enjoy!

24th November

Yet another day of pointless time wasting and of being tortured by the natives aka Horo Horo and Yoh.

They thought it would be highly amusing to steal all of my milk and fill the onsen with it, followed by breakfast cereal. This of course resulted in me chasing them all round the house with my quan dao and Anna being extremely pissed that the pool looked like a bowl of bran flakes. Alas, another day in the seventh circle of hell.

25th November

Today has been a day of contrasts. Or in the simple negative language of Horo Horo it was "knarly dude!." This morning I was dragged from my usual training schedule to accompany Yoh, Horo Horo and Manta to of the daylight horrors known as shopping malls. After wandering round aimlessly for around an hour Boro Boro decided it would be a "hella dope idea dude" (whatever the hell that means?) if we went and jumped on the beds in one of the furniture stores. Everyone, except me (being the only sane person. Why the hell don't they have a counsellor! I'm not the one wanting to jump on items of furniture for entertainment!) Erm… Yes where was I? Ah yes, everyone EXCEPT me chuckled heartily at this suggestion and merrily skipped through the doors, while I felt myself, once again, slipping into the seventh circle of hell. Of course, we ended up coming out of the store with a lot less money than what we had went in with. After being there for a grand total of…. Wait for it: 10 minutes! Horo Horo had managed to totally obliterate a little kid's racing car bed… Afterwards he'd continuously insisted that it could have happened to anybody but has he recently noticed the size difference between him and a kid of around 4 years old? (Also considering the fact he'd demolished 2 large pizzas, some ramen and a large bottle of soda before going in…) Has he considered the fact that him bouncing on a 4 year old's racing car bed is like a pot bellied seagull bouncing on a daisy expecting it to hold it's weight? Obviously not…

And now there was the teeny little task of carrying a mangled racing car bed, which we hadn't wanted in the first place (it was if you break you buy kind of place), back to Funbari Onsen… Lets just say Anna wasn't exactly thrilled when we trooped up to the front door carrying the thing plus a mini fridge and a large orange stuffed toy owl… I'm not even going to ask why Yoh bought that… It's sitting on the racing car bed looking Miss. Kinomoto-ish…

No reply from that Frankie person so far… Thank god… More later, Yoh has just fallen asleep with his head in a bowl of ramen, I'd best wake him up… Possibly by hitting him with a certain retarded-looking stuffed owl…

Later, 25th of November

Well I succeeded in waking him up… But at a "terrible" price. It turned out that the bloody owl was so cheaply made that its head fell off. Luckily Anna made Horo Horo clean up the stuffing that had fallen all over the floor. (Privately I think this was because she was still pissed at him for breaking the bed and the cereal incident yesterday)

Macchi showed up for work but Anna insisted that she took the afternoon off and (still being pissed off at him) said that Horo Horo could do her work instead.

Macchi and Yoh then proceeded to march outside with identical scary looking grins on their faces mumbling something about a "potato plan" whatever that was. It turned out that the two of them had decided to make a potato patch in the yard. Why potatoes out of interest? And for what reason? I wasn't aware either of them even liked potatoes that much but then again Macchi doesn't often need a reason for doing anything as long as she thinks it will be "FUN!" "FABDABULOUS!" or "ACE!" They then began to merrily dig up the lawn with clumps of soil flying around everywhere. I wondered vaguely if they needed planning permission to do this? And whether it was a safe idea considering Manta had just been hit with a flying clump of earth and landed in a bush in the corner… Perhaps it is a good time to head home considering I have another appointment with Miss. Kinomoto later because she's received another letter from Frankie (good grief) and more importantly because Anna has just stomped out of the house looking like a pissed off sabre toothed tiger after spotting the "potato plan's" general destruction of the yard…. (And I thought she was mad yesterday).

I rest my case….

Horo Horo's birthday in 2 days… Uh oh…


	4. I lost my shoe

**Once again thanks to everyone who has reviewed this fic and for your patience. I've been really busy lately with college and few tragedies within my family recently have made it hard for me to write. But here is chapter number 4, enjoy. **

**Even later, 25th of November**

_Managed to get back to the apartment with minimum of damage to my anatomy (couldn't say the same for my mind though)… Boro Boro insisted on following me for about 3 blocks begging me to let him hide in the garbage shoot in the apartment from Anna because she'd somehow deduced that Yoh and Macchi's "Potato Plan" was partly his fault. I don't blame her, everything is the baka's fault whether he's present or not. In fact I'd argue that him breaking that racing car bed put everyone in a "rebellious" mood, thus however indirectly it was Horo's fault. So after 3 blocks he insisted on getting down on his knee to beg whilst clinging on to my leg. So there I was in full view of the afternoon crowds with my leg the unwilling victim of an Ainu mauling, I wouldn't say that Horo Horo looked a frightened mouse or anything, more like a homicidal shrew. So naturally I did what any young woman of around 16 would do. Threw my shoe at him… Now I was well aware of how much this looked like a unnecessary domestic dispute about who had been sleeping with the postman or whatever such nonsense but I wasn't quite prepared for a number of innocent bystanders, who had been watching the drama unfold excitedly from their doorsteps, to start clapping enthusiastically._

_I thought perhaps this was because I had ridden the general public of a terrible health hazard, much worse in fact than those mutant crocodiles people always talk about coming out of toilets or whatever. So, of course, I gave them a few smirks and a couple of careless "Oh it was nothing" 's. But when a couple of people began to murmur amongst themselves "Poor girl…" , "Plenty more fish in the sea!" and "Such a shame!" I responded to this with a distressed yelp of "I'm male!" but eventually I decided it would be best to depart as this has evidently given them more to think about and so I cantered the rest of the way home like a frightened vole wondering vaguely if the locals would now think that Anna catered for gay couples at the Onsen as well as weed dealers…_

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__To say that I arrived home in not one of the most cheerful of moods was an understatement and after a short ride in the elevator Jun opened the door and noticed it at once. "What on earth is the matter Ren?" she said, noting my completely morose facial expression. I took a deep breath. "Where to start?" I muttered angrily. "I have to see a counsellor who makes me loathe my existence, a lunatic keeps sending me letters, I lost all my milk in a cereal experiment, I had to pay for a broken racing car bed that I didn't want in the first place, I killed a fluorescent orange owl, I've run all the way home to get away from potatoes and Anna and to top it all of the entire neighbourhood now thinks I'm homosexual! And you ask you what's the matter?!" I yelled in theatrical despair. "Oh... And I lost a shoe.."_

_Jun ushered me inside, made me sit in the couch (which insisted on clashing with my outfit as usual… Oh how I loathe household items…I took off my one shoe...) and brought me some warm milk which I promptly refused to drink, protesting that I wasn't in fact 5 years old, but on reflection decided to show good will towards my sister and took a sip… Well a few… I didn't want to hurt her feelings… She sat down opposite me and promptly began to flick through the pages of a book Miss.Kinomoto had given her to read, "What Makes Adolescent's Tick?" aka "A Guide to Make your Sibling Move to Costa Rica and other Tales". Miss.Kinomoto gave it to her to try and help me through this "troubling period in my life". If you ask me the title of that book sounds pretty dodgy… Anyway Jun proceeded to read a page which probably went into great detail as to how "Teenagers tend to over-dramatise events and happenings in their day to day lives" or whatever, I only wish I had been over-dramatising._

_I decided to head to my room before she started offering help and advice from the pages of that manifestation but not before glancing once more at the title of the book and offering her a hearty good luck on her future career as a paedophile. This earnt me a wrench being flung in my direction (god knows where she got that) which I'm hoping Jun knew I'd be able to dodge or I'd be worried about whether she wanted to cause me severe head injuries, I mean it's all well and good having faith in a sibling but there is a limit…_

_It seemed Jun wasn't finished with me however. Just __as I was opening my bedroom door she called out "Oh Ren there's something I need to tell you…" "I don't want to know…" I thought to myself only to enter my room and find the Cretins aka Gein's younger siblings in there, some safe haven… I quickly summed up the situation, Cretin Number 1 was crying from bouncing on the bed too high and hitting her head on the ceiling, causing it too crack and a bit of plaster falling down, landing on Cretin Number 2's head and also causing him to cry incessantly. Now I could have done one of two things in this situation. I could have calmly and maturely settled the Cretins down and methodically began to sort out the mangled ceiling or I could have attempted to kill them in cold blood by chasing them all over the apartment with my quan dao. I chose the hidden third option. I wearily went out again and shut the door. Jun watched me apprehensively as I headed to bathroom and locked the door. As I turned on the shower I heard Jun rush into my room to check whether I'd committed infanticide or not, realise what had happened and set about calming them down. I heard Cretin Number 1 say "Where has Ren gone?" Jun replied "Oh don't worry, he's gone to cheer himself up. When he comes back and the nice advise lady has finished talking to him he'll be all happy again." "You mean he's on drugs?" Asked Cretin Number 2 cheerfully. My sister had to cover their ears as my yell of "KISAMA!" echoed from the bathroom._

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**Well there we are ch 4. I thought that was a good note to end it on but as mentioned in ch 3 Ren has received a reply from Frankie so I'll upload ch 5 shortly when Miss.Kinomoto arrives and he reads the letter. Thanks for reading.**

**Blackwatermist XxX**


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